Friday, September 12, 2008

No. 5 ~ Rihanna ~

"Sold out faster than Tickle Me Elmo® "

I have got to hand it to her, Rihanna is a cultural legend comparable to the chupacabra in Mexico, or Stalin in Russia. Large enough to earn the right to a single word name. Is it due to her intrepid assault on national idioms? Or is it because of the fact that with each new video her hair and her skirt get shorter?

No one can say for sure, but I personally feel (after hours of research) that her place in the hearts of the American people belongs solely to her producers. Thank you gentlemen for taking that spunking young lady who dazzled us in "S.O.S" and making her dirrrty enough to enjoy. I for one was not impressed with a flighty rendition of high school love. I need the Rihanna of today. I need a woman as nasty and dark as prison sex.

Give her some leather. Chain her to the floor. Let her hang out with role models like Maroon 5. Throw some circus freaks in the next video and let me revel in it.

So, producers who felt Rihanna's innocence wouldn't sell until you whored her up for the faux-fur clad pimp that is the American appetite for hedonism consider your mission accomplished. I only wish you had been there for Stacy Orrico.




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