Friday, September 12, 2008
"Sold out faster than Tickle Me Elmo® "
I have got to hand it to her, Rihanna is a cultural legend comparable to the chupacabra in Mexico, or Stalin in Russia. Large enough to earn the right to a single word name. Is it due to her intrepid assault on national idioms? Or is it because of the fact that with each new video her hair and her skirt get shorter?
No one can say for sure, but I personally feel (after hours of research) that her place in the hearts of the American people belongs solely to her producers. Thank you gentlemen for taking that spunking young lady who dazzled us in "S.O.S" and making her dirrrty enough to enjoy. I for one was not impressed with a flighty rendition of high school love. I need the Rihanna of today. I need a woman as nasty and dark as prison sex.
Give her some leather. Chain her to the floor. Let her hang out with role models like Maroon 5. Throw some circus freaks in the next video and let me revel in it.
So, producers who felt Rihanna's innocence wouldn't sell until you whored her up for the faux-fur clad pimp that is the American appetite for hedonism consider your mission accomplished. I only wish you had been there for Stacy Orrico.
What do you call a teenie-booper who attaches herself impulsivly to attractrive young men and then destroys them with her power to propell pop propoganda proclomations of distain to the top ten charts?
Monday, September 1, 2008
They may be inarticulate and scantly clad, but at least they're hot. Yes, the Pussycat Dolls have capitalized on a thriving music industry using only one vocalist in a six girl band, but it isn't this that sets them apart. No, it isn't even for their brilliant message or their exemplary role model lifestyles that I set them gingerly on the pedestal of No. 7, it is for their ability to call it like it is. With powerful songs like "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me", "Loosen up my Buttons", and "When I grow up" I can't help but applaud their honesty. They have harnessed a woman's ability to be a sex symbol and ridden it to the peak of the global economy in pleather boots and leopard spankies. So, next time you hear the words "I promised my self I'd do anything, any thing at all for them to notice me" remind an woman you might know who's pursuing an education that there is an easier way to the top.
Thank you Pussycat Dolls for admitting how you got there. We all appreciate it.
Our number eight belongs to the sultry British vocals of Natasha Bedingfield simply because the only song more popular than her hit "I'm Single" was her viral hit "I wanna have your babies".
Natasha begins by making a bold stand against seeking companionship for the sake of being with someone. It is a poignant critique of society obsessed with falling in love and fraught with self doubt.
Then she takes it all back. Instantly.
The videos speak for them selves. View with caution.
"I wanna have your babies"
Throwing humanity back to the third grade, a time of flaccid insults, meaningless kisses, and an inability to express ourselves that was still cute.
Lady GaGa comes in at number ten this arbitrary period of time as the ultimate in eccentric hedonism. With her hit single "Just Dance", a compelling statement to the youth of America that when you are tripping out on twelve or thirteen illicit substances and panicking don't worry... just dance.
Her light pumping, bass thumping, assault on the senses video reminds us of all the fun we can have with pool toys, face paint, and disco ball bras. So for her bold gambit into the music world and her uncanny ability to touch her face in every frame I would like to award Lady GaGa with a well earned spot in the Pop Ten.