Tuesday, October 14, 2008

No. 1 ~ Christina Aguilera


Christina Aguilera got robbed by that harpy Britney Spears. Here we have a powerful, articulate, sexy, edgy, dangerous woman with thoughts and a pair of pipes that could launch a thousand ships. Christina has walked the fringe of our musical generation and ranged the scale of style. From chirpy limericks with the Mouseketeers to the throbbing pool of sweat in "Dirrty" she has defined her medium.

And yet... the public endorses the mass of membranes and mediocre curves we call Britney. So America, this is the first shot. Remember while you sleep on beds of denial that we could have had a vocalist as the singer that defined our generation. Instead we chose the bottom of the barrel.

Christina, climb your way to the top of the Pop and feel proud atop that mountain. I set Christina Aguilera in the number one spot because quite frankly, she deserves it.

Grab Bag of Wonder:

Pick any of them, they're all good.









No. 2 ~ Stacie Orrico

"If you deny God he'll destroy your village, kill your children, flood the Earth, and take your record deal."

Seattle born and raised singer songwriter Stacie Orrico was on top of her game. At the tender age of 16 she was already a national phenomenon. Her albums were folksy, electric, and Christian. Her thematic bias was the promotion of God and his charity. Her message was just sexual enough to push her to the top of the charts with repressed Sunday schoolers, yet not to provocative as to have her excommunicated.

That is, until the fateful release of her hit "Stuck".

Stacie made the tactical error of singing a song about loving a boy and no where did she mention her love of God. With in two months her main constituents, the church going populace of America turned their backs on her. She was "secular now", and had "turned her back on God." While the remaining eleven tracks in the album were Sunday Service worthy her on ode to earthly love was enough to send her back the filthy streets of the common people. In that same year she lost her record deal and fell into a dark patch in her life.

For that brazen homage to her heart I proudly give her, her rightful position among the Pop Ten elite.

Bless your honest heart and Italian good looks Stacie.

The Fall of Man:


Monday, October 13, 2008

No. 3 ~ Tami Chynn

"The only thing other than disease, starvation, and slavery that the West brought to Jamaica"

Tami Chynn is the official hybridization of Jamaican rhythm and style with all the American packaging. Her progressive parentage has led this Jamaican native to discover her life as an ambassador of two worlds mingling in the medium of music, as is reflected in her noticeable vocal variations.

I would like to say that she has earned her spot as number 3 in the Pop Ten because she stood up and voiced her opinion, raised her talent as a protest against Western neglect of the islands, and was a staunch supported of women's rights.

Unfortunately she was entirely neglected by the mainstream music industry until she "made her voice more American".

Another point for Manifest Destiny... and another loss of dignity for us all.




Friday, September 12, 2008

No. 4 ~Shakira ~

"The reason the U.S. hasn't bombed Columbia"
Double jointed hips.
Oh yes.
Double jointed hips can't lie.
Colombian drug lords put every iota of creative effort together that they could muster and created the ultimate weapon against the CIA. They call her: Shakira. It's a Colombian word meaning "screen of sex". Not unlike the ever popular and fearsome "Sex Bomb" dropped by the British Empire in Tom Jones pants in the 1960's, the Shakira phenomena is one that has successfully created a trifecta of pro-Colombian propaganda.
The first step was to create an effective wall around Colombian activities. No really, hormonally driven youth memorized by the highly captivating movements of Shakira's hips find themselves being drawn to the Colombian boarders where they are promptly kidnapped, and then used to create a wall on the boarder.
The second step involves a sophisticated process of smearing Shakira with mud. The long lasting effects of this process have yet to be discovered but they are no doubt deadly.
The third and most graphic step of the Shakira project involved setting her up with the Governor's son there by ensuring the drug cartel's hold on the country and their ability to use her lyrical talents to smear campaign the US government. Even now, hundreds of youth are watching Shakira and thinking "My god, if only I were Colombian."
Yes, well played Columbia. I admit, project "Spears" fell though where you seem to have succeeded.
Classified Propaganda Film:
"Hips Don't Lie"

No. 5 ~ Rihanna ~

"Sold out faster than Tickle Me Elmo® "

I have got to hand it to her, Rihanna is a cultural legend comparable to the chupacabra in Mexico, or Stalin in Russia. Large enough to earn the right to a single word name. Is it due to her intrepid assault on national idioms? Or is it because of the fact that with each new video her hair and her skirt get shorter?

No one can say for sure, but I personally feel (after hours of research) that her place in the hearts of the American people belongs solely to her producers. Thank you gentlemen for taking that spunking young lady who dazzled us in "S.O.S" and making her dirrrty enough to enjoy. I for one was not impressed with a flighty rendition of high school love. I need the Rihanna of today. I need a woman as nasty and dark as prison sex.

Give her some leather. Chain her to the floor. Let her hang out with role models like Maroon 5. Throw some circus freaks in the next video and let me revel in it.

So, producers who felt Rihanna's innocence wouldn't sell until you whored her up for the faux-fur clad pimp that is the American appetite for hedonism consider your mission accomplished. I only wish you had been there for Stacy Orrico.






No. 6 ~ Taylor Swift ~

"The reason for witness protection."


What do you call a teenie-booper who attaches herself impulsivly to attractrive young men and then destroys them with her power to propell pop propoganda proclomations of distain to the top ten charts?


Taylor Swift.
Yes, coming to a highschool near you Taylor Swift, the Pop icon with an indicative last name, has at least 12 hot new songs. Of which 12 are about week long failed relationships in highschool. So lets do the math:
12 / 12 - (the emotional rationality of someone who's had their driver's licence for more than a year) + supreme power {over} a new record deal... carry the emotional angst of a succubus =
A Platnium Abum
Taylor Swift gets No. 6. Not because I like her. Because she scares me.
Bravo Taylor, you sugar happy lump of eye candy, you have accomplished the unthinkable. You have put the fear of God in me unlike any woman since Siri.
"Tim McGraw"

Monday, September 1, 2008

No. 7 ~The Pussycat Dolls~

"Proudly setting women back 400 years."

They may be inarticulate and scantly clad, but at least they're hot. Yes, the Pussycat Dolls have capitalized on a thriving music industry using only one vocalist in a six girl band, but it isn't this that sets them apart. No, it isn't even for their brilliant message or their exemplary role model lifestyles that I set them gingerly on the pedestal of No. 7, it is for their ability to call it like it is. With powerful songs like "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me", "Loosen up my Buttons", and "When I grow up" I can't help but applaud their honesty. They have harnessed a woman's ability to be a sex symbol and ridden it to the peak of the global economy in pleather boots and leopard spankies. So, next time you hear the words "I promised my self I'd do anything, any thing at all for them to notice me" remind an woman you might know who's pursuing an education that there is an easier way to the top.

Thank you Pussycat Dolls for admitting how you got there. We all appreciate it.



No. 8 ~Natasha Bedingfield~

"Proof of the Biological Clock"

Our number eight belongs to the sultry British vocals of Natasha Bedingfield simply because the only song more popular than her hit "I'm Single" was her viral hit "I wanna have your babies".

Natasha begins by making a bold stand against seeking companionship for the sake of being with someone. It is a poignant critique of society obsessed with falling in love and fraught with self doubt.

Then she takes it all back. Instantly.

The videos speak for them selves. View with caution.


"I'm Single"


"I wanna have your babies"

No. 9 ~Katie Perry~

"As catchy as syphilis!"

Throwing humanity back to the third grade, a time of flaccid insults, meaningless kisses, and an inability to express ourselves that was still cute.
If you want a hot vocal recap of a young twenty-something's day then Katie Perry is your girl. Don't despair however, any ambiguity her lyrics might be lacking her sexuality fills in for. Why it's true that the lyrical talent of young Perry is uninspired it needs to be acknowledged that her voice is impossible to escape and a delight to have drifting around. For that true hit to dance to in your underwear try Katie Perry's "I kissed a girl", you'll like it. As for any of her other songs, including but not limited too "You're so gay, and you don't even like boys", I'd advise you not to expect genius, in fact don't even expect talent. Expect Katie tasteless insults and lackluster lyrics.

Still, thanks to the most expressive and compelling acting I have ever seen from a Barbie and an undeniable appeal to the siren-esc qualities of Katie's voice I award 9th place to our girl from the back of class.


"I kissed a girl"

"You're so gay"

No. 10 ~Lady Gaga~

"As soothing as an air raid and twice as difficult to clean up."

Lady GaGa comes in at number ten this arbitrary period of time as the ultimate in eccentric hedonism. With her hit single "Just Dance", a compelling statement to the youth of America that when you are tripping out on twelve or thirteen illicit substances and panicking don't worry... just dance.

Her light pumping, bass thumping, assault on the senses video reminds us of all the fun we can have with pool toys, face paint, and disco ball bras. So for her bold gambit into the music world and her uncanny ability to touch her face in every frame I would like to award Lady GaGa with a well earned spot in the Pop Ten.

"Just Dance"