No. 4 ~Shakira ~

"The reason the U.S. hasn't bombed Columbia"

Double jointed hips.

Oh yes.

Double jointed hips can't lie.

Colombian drug lords put every iota of creative effort together that they could muster and created the ultimate weapon against the CIA. They call her: Shakira. It's a Colombian word meaning "screen of sex". Not unlike the ever popular and fearsome "Sex Bomb" dropped by the British Empire in Tom Jones pants in the 1960's, the Shakira phenomena is one that has successfully created a trifecta of pro-Colombian propaganda.

The first step was to create an effective wall around Colombian activities. No really, hormonally driven youth memorized by the highly captivating movements of Shakira's hips find themselves being drawn to the Colombian boarders where they are promptly kidnapped, and then used to create a wall on the boarder.

The second step involves a sophisticated process of smearing Shakira with mud. The long lasting effects of this process have yet to be discovered but they are no doubt deadly.

The third and most graphic step of the Shakira project involved setting her up with the Governor's son there by ensuring the drug cartel's hold on the country and their ability to use her lyrical talents to smear campaign the US government. Even now, hundreds of youth are watching Shakira and thinking "My god, if only I were Colombian."

Yes, well played Columbia. I admit, project "Spears" fell though where you seem to have succeeded.

Classified Propaganda Film:

"Hips Don't Lie"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygctbqBijFk

No. 5 ~ Rihanna ~

"Sold out faster than Tickle Me Elmo® "

I have got to hand it to her, Rihanna is a cultural legend comparable to the chupacabra in Mexico, or Stalin in Russia. Large enough to earn the right to a single word name. Is it due to her intrepid assault on national idioms? Or is it because of the fact that with each new video her hair and her skirt get shorter?

No one can say for sure, but I personally feel (after hours of research) that her place in the hearts of the American people belongs solely to her producers. Thank you gentlemen for taking that spunking young lady who dazzled us in "S.O.S" and making her dirrrty enough to enjoy. I for one was not impressed with a flighty rendition of high school love. I need the Rihanna of today. I need a woman as nasty and dark as prison sex.

Give her some leather. Chain her to the floor. Let her hang out with role models like Maroon 5. Throw some circus freaks in the next video and let me revel in it.

So, producers who felt Rihanna's innocence wouldn't sell until you whored her up for the faux-fur clad pimp that is the American appetite for hedonism consider your mission accomplished. I only wish you had been there for Stacy Orrico.

Videos:

"S.O.S"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5S9lk0jX-qw&feature=related

"Disturbia"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mp9KgyuEc_I

No. 6 ~ Taylor Swift ~

"The reason for witness protection."

Question:

What do you call a teenie-booper who attaches herself impulsivly to attractrive young men and then destroys them with her power to propell pop propoganda proclomations of distain to the top ten charts?

Answer:

Taylor Swift.

Yes, coming to a highschool near you Taylor Swift, the Pop icon with an indicative last name, has at least 12 hot new songs. Of which 12 are about week long failed relationships in highschool. So lets do the math:

12 / 12 - (the emotional rationality of someone who's had their driver's licence for more than a year) + supreme power {over} a new record deal... carry the emotional angst of a succubus =

A Platnium Abum

Taylor Swift gets No. 6. Not because I like her. Because she scares me.

Bravo Taylor, you sugar happy lump of eye candy, you have accomplished the unthinkable. You have put the fear of God in me unlike any woman since Siri.

Video:

"Tim McGraw"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bb864TCcSw4

No. 7 ~The Pussycat Dolls~

"Proudly setting women back 400 years."

They may be inarticulate and scantly clad, but at least they're hot. Yes, the Pussycat Dolls have capitalized on a thriving music industry using only one vocalist in a six girl band, but it isn't this that sets them apart. No, it isn't even for their brilliant message or their exemplary role model lifestyles that I set them gingerly on the pedestal of No. 7, it is for their ability to call it like it is. With powerful songs like "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me", "Loosen up my Buttons", and "When I grow up" I can't help but applaud their honesty. They have harnessed a woman's ability to be a sex symbol and ridden it to the peak of the global economy in pleather boots and leopard spankies. So, next time you hear the words "I promised my self I'd do anything, any thing at all for them to notice me" remind an woman you might know who's pursuing an education that there is an easier way to the top.

Thank you Pussycat Dolls for admitting how you got there. We all appreciate it.

Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gvcpb4_7ZQ

No. 8 ~Natasha Bedingfield~

"Proof of the Biological Clock"

Our number eight belongs to the sultry British vocals of Natasha Bedingfield simply because the only song more popular than her hit "I'm Single" was her viral hit "I wanna have your babies".

Natasha begins by making a bold stand against seeking companionship for the sake of being with someone. It is a poignant critique of society obsessed with falling in love and fraught with self doubt.

Then she takes it all back. Instantly.

The videos speak for them selves. View with caution.

Videos:

"I'm Single"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3TH0soJhQI

"I wanna have your babies"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPdvbbZsleY

No. 9 ~Katie Perry~

"As catchy as syphilis!"

Throwing humanity back to the third grade, a time of flaccid insults, meaningless kisses, and an inability to express ourselves that was still cute.

If you want a hot vocal recap of a young twenty-something's day then Katie Perry is your girl. Don't despair however, any ambiguity her lyrics might be lacking her sexuality fills in for. Why it's true that the lyrical talent of young Perry is uninspired it needs to be acknowledged that her voice is impossible to escape and a delight to have drifting around. For that true hit to dance to in your underwear try Katie Perry's "I kissed a girl", you'll like it. As for any of her other songs, including but not limited too "You're so gay, and you don't even like boys", I'd advise you not to expect genius, in fact don't even expect talent. Expect Katie tasteless insults and lackluster lyrics.

Still, thanks to the most expressive and compelling acting I have ever seen from a Barbie and an undeniable appeal to the siren-esc qualities of Katie's voice I award 9th place to our girl from the back of class.

Videos:

"I kissed a girl"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAp9BKosZXs&feature=related

"You're so gay"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWbLkXhGEmo

No. 10 ~Lady Gaga~

"As soothing as an air raid and twice as difficult to clean up."

Lady GaGa comes in at number ten this arbitrary period of time as the ultimate in eccentric hedonism. With her hit single "Just Dance", a compelling statement to the youth of America that when you are tripping out on twelve or thirteen illicit substances and panicking don't worry... just dance.

Her light pumping, bass thumping, assault on the senses video reminds us of all the fun we can have with pool toys, face paint, and disco ball bras. So for her bold gambit into the music world and her uncanny ability to touch her face in every frame I would like to award Lady GaGa with a well earned spot in the Pop Ten.

Video:

"Just Dance"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M65zI9LH-as